Page 98 - Appreciative Leadership

The Art of Illumination 71

A Word about Trust

When we describe individuals as “trustworthy,” we may be portray-
ing them as honest, dependable, constant—perhaps even honorable.
But trust—the verb—is something we do, not just something we feel.
A conscious act, it is more than a simple response to another person’s
behavior.

Trust, by our definition, is the confidence in and acceptance of what

is. Regardless of the situation, we can always trust people to be exactly
the way they are. Imagine this kind of trust as a practice. Compare
it to the more prevalent practice of expecting people to be what we
want them to be—and then being disappointed when they’re not! In

contrast, our definition of trust enables us to observe with detachment
rather than judgment—to watch with eyes and heart wide open. Th is,
in turn, helps us to consciously illuminate a person’s basic goodness.
Writer and educator Jennifer Fox advocates this kind of trust
between parents and children. Indeed, she suggests that it’s one of the
more powerful means we have of helping children discover, develop,
and use their strengths (what we have described as strengths spotting).
Fox asks parents to identify things the child likes to do: things the par-
ent can trust their child to do, perhaps even despite what the parent

might wish. Then she asks parents to identify the hidden strengths
that the habits or preferences demonstrate, and wonder, where else
might their child apply these strengths? 3

Using this process as a guide, Joyce reflected on her teenage
daughter. With some chagrin, she noted how Elena liked surfi ng the
Internet, texting her friends, and shopping for clothes. But refl ection
changed her thinking about the patterns. Indeed, they suggested incli-
nations that she deeply valued: deep comfort with technology, curios-
ity, warmth, a desire and capacity to connect with people, a strong
aesthetic sense, and an attraction to novelty. Feeling positive and

affirming about her insights, she crafted a “love letter” to Elena, fl ood-

ing her with appreciation for who she was. The exchange strengthened
their bond; and it began a conversation that continued as Elena began
searching for colleges.