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Cross-cultural communication in intimate relationships 341

17. Cross-cultural communication in
intimate relationships

Ingrid Piller

1. Introduction

In this article I will attempt to provide an overview of recent research in cross-
cultural intimate relationships. Of course, such an undertaking immediately
poses the question: what is a cross-cultural intimate relationship? I will focus on
only one type of intimate relationship, namely romantic and sexual couple rela-
tionships with various degrees of duration, commitment and exclusivity, rang-
ing from life-long monogamous marriage on the one hand to short-lived prosti-
tution encounters on the other. It could be argued that couple communication
can never be cross-cultural as each couple forms their own personal ‘mini-cul-
ture’ no matter where the partners come from. Alternatively, it has also been
suggested that men and women each have their gender-specific cultures (Maltz
and Borker 1982; Tannen 1986, 1990), and in this view each and every hetero-
sexual couple would engage in a cross-cultural relationship. For the purposes of
this paper, I will engage with neither of these two extremes on the definitional
cline [see the Intoduction by Spencer-Oatey and Kotthoff]. Rather, I will con-
sider an endogamous relationship one in which the partners share the same
national and linguistic background, and, conversely, a cross-cultural couple one
in which the partners come from different national and/or linguistic back-
grounds. I will thus ignore couple relationships where the partners come from
different class, racial, regional or religious backgrounds although many studies
of intermarriage focus on these (e.g., Stoltzfus 1996; Breger and Hill 1998; Ata
2000; Sollors 2000).
The paper is organized as follows: in the next section I will explore beliefs
about exogamy and endogamy, as these provide the context in which cross-cul-
tural communication in intimate relationships occurs. I will then provide demo-
graphic evidence for a sharp increase in international intimate relationships over
the past 30 years and will discuss some of the reasons for this trend. I will argue
that globalization in its various forms has facilitated meetings for partners from
diverse backgrounds. Three aspects of globalization in particular are relevant,
and I will discuss each in turn: increased international mobility, increased inter-
national data flow, and increased international cultural exchange. Throughout,
I will concentrate on cross-cultural communication during the “early days” of
an intimate relationship, i.e. when the relationship is considered or is just being
established. I do so for two reasons: first, I have explored communication issues