Page 66 - White Lives The Interplay of 'Race', Class, and Gender in Everyday Life

Narrating the self 59
herself in many situations. Madeleine suggested that she was comfortable
moving round different locations in London; however, she also explained
that she was less easy in social situations where she felt that she was being
categorised, by either class or ‘race’:

Madeleine: ...I think actually it’s one of the things that I’m not particularly
good at and I’d like to be better at. I’m not necessarily as outgo-
ing as I’d like to be in . . . I’m absolutely fine talking one-to-one
with people. But if there’s a group situation and I feel some-
body’s making, being a certain way with me, or whatever. And
I’d like to be, just you know . . . go and chat and sort things out
or whatever.
BB: A social situation?
Madeleine: ‘Um [affirmative] . . . and I’m much more likely to not do any-
thing and clam up or close up and probably people think, oh
she’s just looking down her nose at us or whatever, you know.
(Interview 9)

She had at times felt a similar discomfort at being positioned as a
mother:

Madeleine: I don’t know if I ever really saw myself as a mum, really to be
honest. I didn’t enjoy it very much when she was little. I was
quite young, . . . it wasn’t something I’d decided I wanted to
do...um... and I found it very hard to identify with other
mums [laugh] . . . yeah, yeah . . . and I found it very hard to
kind of relax about it and . . .
BB: Be as a mum in those places?
Madeleine: yeah . . .
(Interview 9)

So Madeleine’s account has shown some of the ways in which processes
of subjection are seldom clear cut. Individuals can be pulled in different
directions and can feel a lack of fit with the way they are being positioned
and available discursive resources. This affects the ways in which they can
narrate their selves and understand their own lives. In a similar way, Sara
Ahmed writes of ‘the impossibility of adequately naming myself for the de-
mands of representation is symptomatic of the impossibility of the racially
marked and gendered subject being addressed through a singular name’
(Ahmed 1997: 155). Madeleine’s account suggests how this can also be true
for those positioned as white.

Deborah: a natural progression
Madeleine seemed to lack a narrative flow in her interview because it was
difficult for her to accommodate her sense of self into one story. In contrast,