Page 39 - The Power to Change Anything

28 INFLUENCER

escalated. It’s no wonder that influence masters, no matter what
challenge they face, always focus on behaviors.

SEARCH FOR VITAL BEHAVIORS

Perhaps the most important discovery from Wiwat’s work is the
notion that in addition to focusing on behavior, you should give
special attention to a handful of high-leverage behaviors.
Principle number two: Discover a few vital behaviors, change
those, and problems—no matter their size—topple like a house
of cards.
For example, relationship scholar Howard Markman took
us into his Relationship Lab to show us how he learned that
by focusing on only a few behaviors, he could predict with star-
tling accuracy whether a given married couple is headed for
divorce. More importantly, he found that if he could help cou-
ples practice a few similarly critical behaviors, he could reduce
their chances of divorce or unhappiness by over one-third. You
don’t have to study what interests the couples share in common
or how they were raised or any of a thousand different ways they
treat each other. Merely watch how they argue. If Markman
and his colleagues can watch a couple for just 15 minutes, they
can predict with 90 percent accuracy who will and who won’t
be together and happy five years later! During those 15 min-
utes, Markman will invite a couple to discuss some topic about
which they disagree. If the argument involves a significant
amount of blaming, escalation, invalidation, or withdrawal, the
future is bleak. If, on the other hand, the same couple opens
tough conversations with statements that communicate respect
and a shared purpose, and halts emotional escalation in a
respectful way to take a time out, the future will be entirely dif-
ferent.
To see exactly how only a few behaviors can play an enor-
mous role in both causing and solving profound problems, let’s
look in on Dr. Mimi Silbert, the influence wizard who heads