Page 98 - Harnessing the Strengths

Dilemma 3: Parts Versus the Whole ■ 81

each side strengthens the other. Rather than see individual-
ism and communitarianism in opposition, it is better to see
them as two parts of the whole.
The importance of being able to integrate the two horns
of a dilemma is signifi cant. Take, for example, a family where
children leave the house at sixteen or seventeen years of age,
never to return, or even call home. You might then say to your
partner, “Perhaps we helped develop their sense of individual
autonomy too much.” On the other hand, if your son is forty-
two years old and says, “Father, I am so happy to still live
with you here at home,” then you may have spent too much
time fostering the other side of the duality. Effective parents
succeed when they have brought their children up to be both
autonomous and a part of the family. Generally, rewards for
behavior are based on achieving this. Parents will give their
children a pat on the back if they do something positive for
their brothers or sisters, and the family, as a whole, will be
lauded if they produce truly authentic children. These are
“servant-parents.”

The Benchmark

The two positions above lie miles apart. At the center of
this dilemma is a difference of opinion as to which ensures
“quality of life.” To illustrate this difference, 100,000
people were asked to answer the question, “How can you
increase the quality of your life?” They were presented with
two statements to choose from:

A: It is obvious that if one has as much freedom as
possible and the maximum opportunity to develop
oneself, the quality of one’s life would improve as
a result.