Page 118 - The Language of Humour

STAND-UP COMEDY 105
Daleks—they were my favourite. But they were scary. I watched
Doctor Who from behind the furniture. Didn’t actually see any of it. I
had to ask the dog. (Mimes)
Daleks had a death ray: ‘We will exterminate. We are Daleks.’
And on the other side… a plunger?!
(Voice of two Daleks, trying to come to terms with their weapons)
‘We will exterminate, unless we decide…? Exterminate… or…?’
‘Why have we got this? It’s a plunger.’
‘You will die… or…Have you got any plumbing?’
‘Death or plumbing. Death or plumbing.’
‘Mainly plumbing? You’ve got a blocked sink?’
‘Can you tip me up?’
Steve the Dalek has two death rays—he’s very dangerous. Ken the
Dalek has two plungers.
What did they have plungers for? They were never ever used.
Perhaps they could walk up walls, but they only had one, so they just
looked as if they were about to walk up a wall.
Sometimes they had a three-pronged claw. Like those you get at
funfairs. There’s a machine with lots of prizes at the bottom and you
steer the claw down towards the furry bunny. It goes down and feels
the bunny rabbit, and comes back with—absolutely nothing.
‘We will exterminate, but now we will gather nuts.’
The Daleks had only one eye. They had loads of defects. Doctor
Who spent years working out how to get the Daleks. His helpers were
complete cretins. But it was easy. To defeat a Dalek, all you had to do
is go up behind it and put your hand over its eye.
Daleks had another defect: They ran on wheels. (Mimes chasing
people) ‘Oh, they’ve all gone upstairs. Oh for fuck’s sake!’
Then there was a later episode: ‘Doctor Who and the Daleks go
Upstairs.’
‘Now we are all upstairs. Exterminate. Oh, they’ve all gone
downstairs. Oh, for fuck’s sake.’
And another thing: Daleks had wheels. You never see a Dalek chase
across a shagpile carpet, or through the woods, or across a ploughed
field. (Mimes) ‘You’re covering me in mud!’

Commentary
Eddie Izzard chooses topics that are trivial in a sense—fruit in
supermarkets; queuing at a late-night garage shop; mowing the lawn—
but the audience responds as he sheds light on the minute absurdities of
the situation. There is a moment of surprise at the bizarre observations,
immediately followed by recognition. ‘What oft was thought, but ne’er