Page 187 - Appreciative Leadership

160 Appreciative Leadership

There are three kinds of leadership conversations:

• Relationship-canceling conversations

• Relationship-tolerating conversations
• Relationship-enhancing conversations

Only relationship-enhancing conversations move people and groups
toward wholeness.
Relationship-canceling conversations occur within all arenas of
work and life, including interfaith communities. You know what they

sound like: “They should not be allowed to participate because they
are not a sanctioned sorority, a true religion, or a taxpayer.” “We don’t
need to include IT, radiology, or HR. It is not in their job description,
and they will only confuse the issue anyway.” Relationship-canceling
conversations include name-calling, blaming, and belittling. Th ey
include any of the ways people and groups are made invisible, deemed

insignificant, and excluded from relationship.
Relationship-tolerating conversations allow for the existence of
other people and groups as long as they maintain their “place.” Rela-
tionship-tolerating conversations do not even hint at the desire for
meaningful relationships. You probably know people who say things
like: “My neighbors are … and they don’t create any trouble for us.
We welcome them in our church, on our team, in the department.
We just don’t socialize together.” Relationship-tolerating conversa-
tions keep other people and groups at a distance. People are deperson-
alized and tolerated through the use of generalizations and language

such as “they” and “them.” These conversations do not afford people a

sense of belonging. They neither foster community nor create a sense

of wholeness.
Relationship-enhancing conversations, on the other hand, streng-
then the bonds of relatedness, build community, and give people a
deep sense of belonging in a meaningful way. We hope these comments
sound familiar to you: “Why don’t we ask the kids what they want. Aft er
all it is their community park.” “These people are new to the company;

let’s find out what they love about their work, and see what we can learn