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Victim Mentality and Playing Small 109

should have all the answers” and “Leaders should be right.” If these beliefs
are part of your repertoire, they influence how you speak, listen, and act.
Beliefs are self-fulfilling prophecies, and in this way, you get what you
believe, not what you want.
Let’s look at an example: If you believe that an individual is making it
impossible or difficult for you to succeed, your behavior will be consistent
with your belief. Even if you say you want a good relationship with this
individual, your belief that he or she is “out to get you” will influence your
behavior. You will unconsciously adopt a victim attitude and treat the indi-
vidual as the persecutor. Not only will you distrust what he or she says,
you will change how you behave because you certainly behave differently
with someone you trust than with someone you don’t. You may withhold
how you feel, turn everything into an argument, or ask questions that cast
doubt or suspicion on the individual’s credibility.
The person who is your “persecutor” begins to react to your behavior,
mirrors your distrust, and withholds information from you. This feeds your
belief that the individual cannot be trusted, and now you have even more
evidence for your case. Of course, what you cannot see is that your evi-
dence is tainted by your self-fulfilling prophecy. You have changed your
behavior, and then you have used the individual’s reaction to your behav-
ior as evidence that you are right and that he or she cannot be trusted.
Your words “I want an effective relationship” hold no weight. When you
do not believe it is possible to have a trusting relationship with a specific
individual, you will create what you believe to be true, not what you want.

Getting Stuck in a Rut Is Normal; Choosing to Get Out Is
Extraordinary
There is a story about a sad little frog that was mired in a deep, muddy
wagon track. His frog friends came by every day and tried everything they
could to encourage him to get out of the rut. But the poor little frog was
a victim of circumstances and believed that he couldn’t do anything to
get out. Finally, after several days, his friends gave up hope and left him
alone.
Then one day his friends walked by the side of the road and saw the
little frog sitting by the pond bathing in the sun. He was chipper, happy,
and very pleased with himself. His friends asked, “How did you get here?