Page 192 - The Power to Change Anything

Find Strength in Numbers 181

most are full-out disablers, not enablers. Instead of acting like
friends, they act like accomplices in the crimes against his body.
They take Henry out to fancy restaurants, eat fatty and delicious
food in front of him at work, give him gifts of the very food he
loves but shouldn’t eat, stock the pantry chock full of all the
wrong ingredients, and so on.
In fact, when it comes to losing weight, Henry can’t think
of anyone who is enabling him in any way. One day when he
asked his wife to stop buying bags of chocolate candy, she actu-
ally laughed out loud. She loves candy, buys candy, eats candy,
and never gains a pound, so why shouldn’t she buy candy?
But Henry knows it’s hard to go it alone. “Hey, look at me.
I live here in the apartment with you. I smell all that delicious
chocolate, and it drives me crazy!”
And it wasn’t just his olfactory powers that clued Henry in
about the importance of enlisting others’ help. He had recently
read a study (conducted by our friend Albert Bandura) about
research subjects who were trying to lower their cholesterol. As
both Henry and Albert suspected, participants routinely
achieved greater reductions in their cholesterol when their
spouses took part in the program.
So Henry has to find a way to step up to his disablers and
ask them to become enablers. This means that Henry will have
to talk to others in a way that creates genuine dialogue rather
than resistance and recrimination.

When You Can’t Succeed on Your Own

The poet John Donne was right: No man is an island. When
the people surrounding you are causing or contributing to the
problems—playing the role of disabler rather than enabler—
fight the urge to attack your detractors for their contribution to
your pain. Instead, co-opt them. Turn a me problem into a we
problem. Build social capital in order to resolve persistent and
resistant behaviors.