Page 105 - stephen covey The seven habits of highly effective people

THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE Brought to you by FlyHeart

"I'm a loser. I've always been a loser."
"I'm a peacemaker. I'll do anything to keep peace."
Lose-win is worse than win-lose because it has no standards -- no demands, no expectations, no
vision. People who think lose-win are usually quick to please or appease. They seek strength from
popularity or acceptance. They have little courage to express their own feelings and convictions and
are easily intimidated by the ego strength of others.
In negotiation, lose-win is seen as capitulation -- giving in or giving up. In leadership style, it's
permissiveness or indulgence. Lose-win means being a nice guy, even if "nice guys finish last.
Win-lose people love lose-win people because they can feed on them. They love their weaknesses
-- they take advantage of them. Such weaknesses complement their strengths.
But the problem is that lose-win people bury a lot of feelings. And unexpressed feelings never die;
they're buried alive and come forth in uglier ways. Psychosomatic illnesses, particularly of the
respiratory, nervous, and circulatory systems often are the reincarnation of cumulative resentment,
deep disappointment, and disillusionment repressed by the lose-win mentality. Disproportionate rage
or anger, overreaction to minor provocation, and cynicism are other embodiments of suppressed
emotion.
People who are constantly repressing, not transcending, feelings towards a higher meaning find that
it affects the quality of their self-esteem and eventually the quality of their relationships with others.
Both win-lose and lose-win are weak positions, based in personal insecurities. In the short run,
win-lose will produce more results because it draws on the often considerable strengths and talents of
the people at the top. Lose-win is weak and chaotic from the outset.
Many executives, managers, and parents swing back and forth, as if on a pendulum, from win-lose
inconsideration to lose-win indulgence. When they can't stand confusion and lack of structure,
direction, expectation, and discipline any longer, they swing back to win-lose -- until guilt undermines
their resolve and drives them back to lose-win -- until anger and frustration drive them back to win-lose
again.

Lose-Lose

When two win-lose people get together -- that is, when two determined, stubborn, ego-invested
individuals interact -- the result will be lose-lose. Both will lose. Both will become vindictive and
want to "get back" or "get even," blind to the fact that murder is suicide, that revenge is a two-edged
sword.
I know of a divorce in which the husband was directed by the judge to sell the assets and turn over
half the proceeds to his ex-wife. In compliance, he sold a car worth over $10,000 for $50 and gave $25
to the wife. When the wife protested, the court clerk checked on the situation and discovered that the
husband was proceeding in the same manner systematically through all of the assets.
Some people become so centered on an enemy, so totally obsessed with the behavior of another
person that they become blind to everything except their desire for that person to lose, even if it means
losing themselves. Lose-lose is the philosophy of adversarial conflict, the philosophy of war.
Lose-lose is also the philosophy of the highly dependent person without inner direction who is
miserable and thinks everyone else should be, too. "If nobody ever wins, perhaps being a loser isn't so
bad.

Win

Another common alternative is simply to think win. People with the win mentality don't
necessarily want someone else to lose. That's irrelevant. What matters is that they get what they