Page 19 - stephen covey The seven habits of highly effective people

THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE Brought to you by FlyHeart

give you a piece of gum."
"I don't want gum!" she exploded.
Now I was becoming exasperated. For my fourth attempt, I resorted to fear and threat. "Unless
you share, you will be in real trouble!"
"I don't care!" she cried. "These are my things. I don't have to share!"
Finally, I resorted to force. I merely took some of the toys and gave them to the other kids. "Here,
kids, play with these."
But at that moment, I valued the opinion those parents had of me more than the growth and
development of my child and our relationship together. I simply made an initial judgment that I was
right; she should share, and she was wrong in not doing so.
Perhaps I superimposed a higher-level expectation on her simply because on my own scale I was at
a lower level. I was unable or unwilling to give patience or understanding, so I expected her to give
things. In an attempt to compensate for my deficiency, I borrowed strength from my position and
authority and forced her to do what I wanted her to do.
But borrowing strength builds weakness. It builds weakness in the borrower because it reinforces
dependence on external factors to get things done. It builds weakness in the person forced to
acquiesce, stunting the development of independent reasoning, growth, and internal discipline. And
finally, it builds weakness in the relationship. Fear replaces cooperation, and both people involved
become more arbitrary and defensive.
And what happens when the source of borrowed strength -- be it superior size or physical strength,
position, authority, credentials, status symbols, appearance, or past achievements -- changes or is no
longer there?
Had I been more mature, I could have relied on my own intrinsic strength -- my understanding of
sharing and of growth and my capacity to love and nurture -- and allowed my daughter to make a free
choice as to whether she wanted to share or not to share. Perhaps after attempting to reason with her,
I could have turned the attention of the children to an interesting game, taking all that emotional
pressure off my child. I've learned that once children gain a sense of real possession, they share very
naturally, freely, and spontaneously.
My experience has been that there are times to teach and times not to teach. When relationships
are strained and the air charged with emotion, an attempt to teach is often perceived as a form of
judgment and rejection. But to take the child alone, quietly, when the relationship is good and to
discuss the teaching or the value seems to have much greater impact. It may have been that the
emotional maturity to do that was beyond my level of patience and internal control at the time.
Perhaps a sense of possessing needs to come before a sense of genuine sharing. Many people who
give mechanically or refuse to give and share in their marriages and families may never have
experienced what it means to possess themselves, their own sense of identity and self-worth. Really
helping our children grow may involve being patient enough to allow them the sense of possession as
well as being wise enough to teach them the value of giving and providing the example ourselves.

The Way We See the Problem is the Problem

People are intrigued when they see good things happening in the lives of individuals, families, and
organizations that are based on solid principles. They admire such personal strength and maturity,
such family unity and teamwork, such adaptive synergistic organizational culture.
And their immediate request is very revealing of their basic paradigm. "How do you do it? Teach
me the techniques." What they're really saying is, "Give me some quick fix advice or solution that will
relieve the pain in my own situation."