Page 9 - stephen covey The seven habits of highly effective people

THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE Brought to you by FlyHeart

stopped trying to kindly, positively manipulate him into an acceptable social mold. Because we saw
him as fundamentally adequate and able to cope with life, we stopped protecting him against the
ridicule of others.
He had been nurtured on this protection, so he went through some withdrawal pains, which he
expressed and which we accepted, but did not necessarily respond to. "We don't need to protect you,"
was the unspoken message. "You're fundamentally okay."
As the weeks and months passed, he began to feel a quiet confidence and affirmed himself. He
began to blossom, at his own pace and speed. He became outstanding as measured by standard social
criteria -- academically, socially and athletically -- at a rapid clip, far beyond the so-called natural
developmental process. As the years passed, he was elected to several student body leadership
positions, developed into an all-state athlete and started bringing home straight A report cards. He
developed an engaging and guileless personality that has enabled him to relate in nonthreatening ways
to all kinds of people.
Sandra and I believe that our son's "socially impressive" accomplishments were more a
serendipitous expression of the feelings he had about himself than merely a response to social reward.
This was an amazing experience for Sandra and me, and a very instructional one in dealing with our
other children and in other roles as well. It brought to our awareness on a very personal level the vital
difference between the personality ethic and the character ethic of success. The Psalmist expressed our
conviction well: "Search your own heart with all diligence for out of it flow the issues of life."

Primary and Secondary Greatness

My experience with my son, my study of perception and my reading of the success literature
coalesced to create one of those "Aha!" experiences in life when suddenly things click into place. I was
suddenly able to see the powerful impact of the personality ethic and to clearly understand those subtle,
often consciously unidentified discrepancies between what I knew to be true -- some things I had been
taught many years ago as a child and things that were deep in my own inner sense of value -- and the
quick fix philosophies that surrounded me every day. I understood at a deeper level why, as I had
worked through the years with people from all walks of life, I had found that the things I was teaching
and knew to be effective were often at variance with these popular voices.
I am not suggesting that elements of the personality ethic -- personality growth, communication skill
training, and education in the field of influence strategies and positive thinking -- are not beneficial, in
fact sometimes essential for success. I believe they are. But these are secondary, not primary traits.
Perhaps, in utilizing our human capacity to build on the foundation of generations before us, we have
inadvertently become so focused on our own building that we have forgotten the foundation that holds
it up; or in reaping for so long where we have not sown, perhaps we have forgotten the need to sow.
If I try to use human influence strategies and tactics of how to get other people to do what I want, to
work better, to be more motivated, to like me and each other -- while my character is fundamentally
flawed, marked by duplicity and insincerity -- then, in the long run, I cannot be successful. My
duplicity will breed distrust, and everything I do -- even using so-called good human relations
techniques -- will be perceived as manipulative. It simply makes no difference how good the rhetoric
is or even how good the intentions are; if there is little or no trust, there is no foundation for permanent
success. Only basic goodness gives life to technique.
To focus on technique is like cramming your way through school. You sometimes get by, perhaps
even get good grades, but if you don't pay the price day in and day out, you never achieve true mastery
of the subjects you study or develop an educated mind.
Did you ever consider how ridiculous it would be to try to cram on a farm -- to forget to plant in the
spring, play all summer and then cram in the fall to bring in the harvest? The farm is a natural system.