Page 89 - Crucial Conversations

MAKE IT SAFE 7 1

Mutual Respect
W i l l We Be Able to Remain i n Dialogue?

While it's true that there's no reason to enter a crucial conversaM
tion if you don't have Mutual Purpose, it's equally true that you
can't stay in the conversation if you don't maintain Mutual
Respect. Mutual Respect is the continuance condition of dia­
logue. As people perceive that others don't respect them, the
conversation immediately becomes unsafe and dialogue comes to
a screeching halt.
Why? Because respect is like air. If you take it away, it's all
people can think about. The instant people perceive disrespect
in a conversation, the interaction is no longer about the origi·
nal purpose-it is now about defending dignity.
For example, you're talking with a group of supervisors
about a complicated quality problem. Y o u really want to see
the problem resolved once and for all. Y o ur job depends on it.
Unfortunately, you also think the supervisors are overpaid and
underqualified. Y o u firmly believe that not only are they in
over their heads, but they do stupid things all the time. Some
of them even act unethically.
As the supervisors throw out ideas, you roll your eyes. The dis ..
respect you carry in your head creeps out in one unfortunate ges·
ture. And it's all over. What happens to the conversation despite
the fact that you still share a common objective? It tanks. They
take shots at your proposals. Y o u add insulting adjectives in
describing theirs. As attention turns to scoring points, everyone
loses. Y o ur Mutual Purpose suffers for a lack of Mutual Respect.
T e lltale signs. T o spot when respect is violated and safety takes
a turn south, watch for signs that people are defending their dig­
nity. Emotions are the key. When people feel disrespected, they
become highly charged. Their emotions tum from fear to anger.