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Victim Mentality and Playing Small 101

The Language That Ignites Victim Mentality

Victim language is designed to avoid accountability and commitment by
protecting one’s story and interpretation of what happened. This shows up
in blaming, hedging, and defensive language that allow victims to wiggle
out of any situation.
Consider the power of language and how it influences how we think,
listen, and behave. We forget that speaking is an action and that language
is a powerful tool for changing how people respond to the world around
them. The words you choose construct and define your reality, and they
form your interpretation.
There is a distinct difference between victim language, which focuses
on external factors and blame, and owner language, which focuses on tak-
ing accountability. Exhibit 4-3 provides examples of both.
Victim language frequently starts with a reference to an outside party
and uses words such as you, they, he, she, and this group at the beginning
of a sentence. For example, “You never listen to me.” Further, the victim
attributes a causal relationship, such as “Your actions caused me to react
this way.”

Victim Language Owner Language

“You made me feel . . . ” “I feel . . .”

“You never listen. ” “I don’t feel heard. ”
VS

“You caused me to react.” “I reacted.”

“You said . . .” “What I heard was . . . ”

“How did I contribute
“You dropped the ball.”
to this problem?”

EXHIBIT 4-3: Examples of Victim Language versus Owner Language