Page 110 - Fearless Leadership

Victim Mentality and Playing Small 97

The victim is not only bitter about the past; the victim is already dis-
appointed with the future.

When you expect someone else to be the responsible agent for your
future, you have crossed the line into the world of the victim. This state
of dissatisfaction and disappointment comes with the feeling that nothing
is ever right or good enough. Unmet expectations, disenchantment, and
unfulfilled promises become the fodder of victim mentality. Because vic-
tims see others as adversaries, they feel as if outside agents or forces con-
trol their actions and their future.
Victim mentality can be summed up in one word: should. Victims
believe things should be different; they should have more, or someone else
should do something. There is always a should for the victim.
When you fall into the victim trap, and you do, the fundamental belief
is that the problem is outside your locus of control and everyone and every-
thing else is to blame. Recognizing when you fall into victim mentality is
the key to transformation and fearless leadership. Remember that anything
that can be confronted can be addressed.

The Victim, the Persecutor, and the Co-Conspirator
Victim mentality is based on three interdependent roles: the perse-
cutor (the person or circumstance you are blaming), co-conspirators
(people who agree with you and your point of view), and the victim
who has been unjustly wronged. When you fall into the victim trap,
you build a case, conspire with others, and collect evidence to
demonstrate that you are right and others are wrong. The victim tri-
angle shown in Exhibit 4-2 identifies these three roles: the victim,
the co-conspirator, and the persecutor.

The Victim. Victims feel entitled and expect life and others to sat-
isfy their needs. They believe they are the injured party and are suf-
fering a great injustice and blame people and circumstances for
getting in the way of what they should rightfully have.
Victims explain, justify, rationalize, and defend their point of view.
From the victims’ perspective, there is only one truth—theirs. When