Page 139 - stephen covey The seven habits of highly effective people

THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE Brought to you by FlyHeart

There are some circumstances in which synergy may not be achievable and no deal isn't viable. But
even in these circumstances, the spirit of sincere trying will usually result in a more effective
compromise.

Fishing for the A Third Alternative

To get a better idea of how our level of communication affects our interdependent effectiveness,
envision the following scenario.
It's vacation time, and a husband wants to take his family out to the lake country to enjoy camping
and fishing. This is important to him; he's been planning it all year. He's made reservations at a
cottage on the lake and arranged to rent a boat, and his sons are really excited about going.
His wife, however, wants to use the vacation time to visit her ailing mother some 250 miles away.
She doesn't have the opportunity to see her very often, and this is important to her
Their differences could be the cause of a major negative experience.
"The plans are set. The boys are excited. We should go on the fishing trip," he says.
"But we don't know how much longer my mother will be around, and I want to be by her," she
replies. "This is our only opportunity to have enough time to do that."
"All year long we've looked forward to this one-week vacation. The boys would be miserable
sitting around grandmother's house for a week. They'd drive everybody crazy. Besides, your
mother's not that sick. And she has your sister less than a mile away to take care of her."
"She's my mother, too. I want to be with her."
"You could phone her every night. And we're planning to spend time with her at the Christmas
family reunion. Remember?"
"That's not for five more months. We don't even know if she'll still be here by then. Besides, she
needs me, and she wants me."
"She's being well taken care of. Besides, the boys and I need you, too."
"My mother is more important than fishing."
"Your husband and sons are more important than your mother."
As they disagree, back and forth, they finally may come up with some kind of compromise. They
may decide to split up -- he takes the boys fishing at the lake while she visits her mother. And they
both feel guilty and unhappy. The boys sense it, and it affects their enjoyment of the vacation.
The husband may give in to his wife, but he does it grudgingly. And consciously or unconsciously,
he produces evidence to fulfill his prophecy of how miserable the week will be for everyone.
The wife may give in to her husband, but she's withdrawn and overreactive to any new
developments in her mother's health situation. If her mother were to become seriously ill and die, the
husband could never forgive himself, and she couldn't forgive him either.
Whatever compromise they finally agree on, it could be rehearsed over the years as evidence of
insensitivity, neglect, or a bad priority decision on either part. It could be a source of contention for
years and could even polarize the family. Many marriages that once were beautiful and soft and
spontaneous and loving have deteriorated to the level of a hostility through a series of incidents just like
this.
The husband and wife see the situation differently. And that difference can polarize them, separate
them, create wedges in the relationship. Or it can bring them closer together on a higher level. If
they have cultivated the habits of effective interdependence, they approach their differences from an
entirely different paradigm. Their communication is on a higher level.
Because they have a high Emotional Bank Account, they have trust and open communication in
their marriage. Because they Think Win-Win, they believe in a Third Alternative, a solution that is
mutually beneficial and is better than what either of them originally proposed. Because they listen