Page 140 - stephen covey The seven habits of highly effective people

THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE Brought to you by FlyHeart

empathically and seek first to understand, they create within themselves and between them a
comprehensive picture of the values and the concerns that need to be taken into account in making a
decision.
And the combination of those ingredients -- the high Emotional Bank Account, thinking win-win,
and seeking first to understand -- creates the ideal environment for synergy.
Buddhism calls this "the middle way." Middle in this sense does not mean compromise; it means
higher, like the apex of the triangle.
In searching for the "middle" or higher way, this husband and wife realize that their love, their
relationship, is part of their synergy
As they communicate, the husband really, deeply feels his wife's desire, her need to be with her
mother. He understands how she wants to relieve her sister, who has had the primary responsibility
for their mother's care. He understands that they really don't know how long she will be with them,
and that she certainly is more important than fishing.
And the wife deeply understands her husband's desire to have the family together and to provide a
great experience for the boys. She realizes the investment that has been made in lessons and
equipment to prepare for this fishing vacation, and she feels the importance of creating good memories
with them.
So they pool those desires. And they're not on opposite sides of the problem. They're together on
one side, looking at the problem, understanding the needs, and working to create a Third Alternative
that will meet them.
"Maybe we could arrange another time within the month for you to visit with your mother," he
suggests. "I could take over the home responsibilities for the weekend and arrange for some help at
the first of the week so that you could go. I know it's important to you to have that time.
"Or maybe we could locate a place to camp and fish that would be close to your mother. The area
wouldn't be as nice, but we could still be outdoors and meet other needs as well. And the boys
wouldn't be climbing the walls. We could even plan some recreational activities with the cousins,
aunts, and uncles, which would be an added benefit."
They synergize. They communicate back and forth until they come up with a solution they both
feel good about. It's better than the solutions either of them originally proposed. It's better than
compromise. It's a synergistic solution that builds P and PC.
Instead of a transaction, it's a transformation. They get what they both really want and build their
relationship in the process.

Negative Synergy

Seeking the Third Alternative is a major Paradigm Shift from the dichotomous, either/or mentality.
But look at the difference in results.
How much negative energy is typically expended when people try to solve problems or make
decisions in an interdependent reality? How much time is spent in confessing other people's sins,
politicking, rivalry, interpersonal conflict, protecting one's backside, masterminding, and second
guessing? It's like trying to drive down the road with one foot on the gas and the other foot on the
brake.
And instead of getting a foot off the brake, most people give it more gas. They try to apply more
pressure, more eloquence, more logical information to strengthen their position.
The problem is that highly dependent people are trying to succeed in an interdependent reality.
They're either dependent on borrowing strength from position power and they go for win-lose or
they're dependent on being popular with others and they go for lose-win. They may talk win-win
technique, but they don't really want to listen; they want to manipulate. And synergy can't thrive in