Page 99 - stephen covey The seven habits of highly effective people

THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE Brought to you by FlyHeart

I was in my office at home one afternoon writing, of all things, on the subject of patience. I could
hear the boys running up and down the hall making loud banging noises, and I could feel my own
patience beginning to wane.
Suddenly, my son David started pounding on the bathroom door, yelling at the top of his lungs, "Let
me in! Let me in!"
I rushed out of the office and spoke to him with great intensity. "David, do you have any idea how
disturbing that is to me? Do you know how hard it is to try to concentrate and write creatively? Now
you go into your room and stay in there until you can behave yourself." So in he went, dejected, and
shut the door.
As I turned around, I became aware of another problem. The boys had been playing tackle football
in the four-foot-wide hallway, and one of them had been elbowed in the mouth. He was lying there in
the hall, bleeding from the mouth. David, I discovered, had gone to the bathroom to get a wet towel
for him. But his sister, Maria, who was taking a shower, wouldn't open the door.
When I realized that I had completely misinterpreted the situation and had overreacted, I
immediately went in to apologize to David.
As I opened the door, the first thing he said to me was, "I won't forgive you."
"Well, why not, honey?" I replied. "Honestly, I didn't realize you were trying to help your brother.
Why won't you forgive me?"
"Because you did the same thing last week," he replied. In other words, he was saying. "Dad,
you're overdrawn, and you're not going to talk your way out of a problem you behaved yourself into."
Sincere apologies make deposits; repeated apologies interpreted as insincere make withdrawals.
And the quality of the relationship reflects it.
It is one thing to make a mistake, and quite another thing not to admit it. People will forgive
mistakes, because mistakes are usually of the mind, mistakes of judgment. But people will not easily
forgive the mistakes of the heart, the ill intention, the bad motives, the prideful justifying cover-up of
the first mistake.

The Laws of Love and the Laws of Life

When we make deposits of unconditional love, when we live the primary laws of love, we
encourage others to live the primary laws of life. In other words, when we truly love others without
condition, without strings, we help them feel secure and safe and validated and affirmed in their
essential worth, identity, and integrity. Their natural growth process is encouraged. We make it
easier for them to live the laws of life -- cooperation, contribution, self-discipline, integrity -- and to
discover and live true to the highest and best within them. We give them the freedom to act on their
own inner imperatives rather than react to our conditions and limitations. This does not mean we
become permissive or soft. That itself is a massive withdrawal. We counsel, we plead, we set limits
and consequences. But we love, regardless.
When we violate the primary laws of love -- when we attach strings and conditions to that gift -- we
actually encourage others to violate the primary laws of life. We put them in a reactive, defensive
position where they feel they have to prove "I matter as a person, independent of you."
In reality, they aren't independent. They are counter-dependent, which is another form of
dependency and is at the lowest end of the Maturity Continuum. They become reactive, almost
enemy-centered, more concerned about defending their "rights" and producing evidence of their
individuality than they are about proactively listening to and honoring their own inner imperatives.
Rebellion is a knot of the heart, not of the mind. The key is to make deposits -- constant deposits of
unconditional love.