Page 16 - The Language of Humour

‘JUST FOR A LAUGH?’ 3

1 ‘Do you believe in clubs for young people?’ ‘Only when
kindness fails.’ (W.C.Fields)
2 Why do women have small feet? So they can get closer to
the sink.
3 What’s the difference between a bad marksman and a
constipated owl? One shoots but can’t hit.
4 If Noel Edmunds, Stalin and Hitler were in a room and you
had only two bullets in your gun, who do you shoot? Noel
Edmunds—twice.
5 What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
6 Why does Edward Woodward have 4 D’s in his name?
Because if he didn’t he’d be called E-war Woo-war-.
7 I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all
over it.
8 God is not dead but alive and well and working on a much
more ambitious project.
9 Winter is nature’s way of saying ‘Up yours.’
10 Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
11 There is no gravity. The earth sucks.
12 When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping
13 One hundred thousand lemmings can’t be wrong.
14 Did you hear the one about the man who walked into a bar
and said ‘Ouch!’?
15 LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
16 MAD, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual
independence.
17 Fox hunting is the unspeakable in pursuit of the inedible.
(Oscar Wilde)
18 Two cows in a field. One says, ‘Moo.’ Other says, ‘You
bastard, I was going to say that’
19 Two cows in a field. One says ‘Are you worried about this
BSE scare?’ ‘Of course not, I’m a helicopter.’
20 Man in a bar: ‘I just got a bottle of gin for my mother-in-
law.’ Second man: ‘Sounds like a good swap.’