Page 71 - Effective Communication Skills by Dalton Kehoe

on your part. This means giving up the three taken-for-granted control talk
assumptions: (1) I know all I need to know, so I don’t have to ask. Stop mind
reading and ask for information. (2) My listener must surely understand,

so I don’t have to reÀect back what I hear or see. Don’t assume the other
understands you. (3) My listener feels as I do, so I don’t have to notice or
acknowledge the listener’s feelings or give him or her a chance to express
them. Acknowledging feelings is important; our feelings are what separate us
from machines.

To summarize, in general men use talk to do things and to manage their
independence, and women talk to build relationships and to feel connected.
Both sexes need to understand these fundamental differences in their
communication styles so that they don’t expect the other to respond as
they do. Ŷ

Suggested Reading

Tannen, “He Said, She Said.”
———, You Just Don’t Understand.
Wood, Gendered Lives.

Exercises

1. For women: Since many men think that being asked to do something
comes across as an order (and they don’t like to be told what to do), they
often delay doing it long enough to feel that they’re making their own
choice to comply. So if you want the man in your life to do something,
plan ahead. Make it a request for help, not a command, and leave enough
time before your internal deadline so he can delay before complying.

2. For men: When your female partner asks a question about what you
would like, treat this as an indirect request for herself and the opening
move in a negotiation. If she says, “Would like you to stop for coffee?”
don’t just say “no”—be more provisional in your style. Say, “I dunno;
would you like to stop?” Her next response is the “good” information
you are looking for.

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