Page 67 - Effective Communication Skills by Dalton Kehoe

your view of the problem. Use only descriptive I-messages: “The way I see
it, ….” But say only one sentence, and then stop!

Why would I ask you to stop? Because I don’t want you to rant. The whole
point of a structured dialogue is that you need to get a deeper understanding
of the other’s view of the situation.
The best way to do that is to ask
The problem-solving stage a question: “Can you tell me how
occurs late in the process and you see the problem?”
is less important in many ways
Then you move on to the hard part
than the discussion itself. of the process: listening actively for
understanding. You have to give
the other your undivided attention:
Use your face, body, paraverbal, and verbal encouragers to keep the person
talking, even when you’re hearing things you don’t like. Your appreciative
commitment is to full understanding, so you have to listen for the emotional
concerns behind the behavior. Be sure to provide understanding feedback
periodically while you listen. If necessary, you’ll have to reframe emotionally
negative statements into the content that’s submerged beneath the negative
emotion.

Ask questions to clarify or con¿rm your understanding of any points the
other is making. When the other seems to have put it all on the table, you
can break in gently and say, “OK, do you mind if I tell my side of the story?”
Seeking permission shows respect and reinforces equality, which is the basis
for effective dialogue. As you’re talking, ask for occasional feedback on your
words; give and get clari¿ cation until you’re satis¿ ed he or she understands
your side of the story.

Here’s the hard news: This process is not likely to work the ¿rst time through.

This is a “repeat as needed” process: Go back to step three, start the next
round of the discussion with another question, get the other to talk, and listen
actively. This cycle is required to reach mutual understanding. Once you
have this mutual understanding, it’s time to solve the problem. Negotiation
and creative solution development are in order: Try some “What if we try to
…” brainstorming and perhaps some creative behavior exchange to reach an

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