Page 64 - Effective Communication Skills by Dalton Kehoe

and also understand other people’s points of view. You respect yourself and
show respect for others.

Besides the basic steps of assertive dialogue—staying present, speaking
up descriptively, and asking for change—there are additional techniques
that everyone can use in dealing with personal relationship struggles. One
technique is to repeat as needed: When disagreements arise, people are not
listening the ¿rst time they are reacting, so you have to say it again. Then,

when the person comes at you with criticism, acknowledge his or her truth.
When a person is behaving aggressively, he or she expects direct resistance.
Try to sidestep the other’s anger by agreeing with some part of what he or
she says.

As you progress toward some sort of resolution of a situation, you will ¿ nd
additional connective statements helpful. Try a situational acknowledgement:
“I know this has been tough on both of us.” Or how about a blameless
apology? “I’m so sorry this has happened.” Finally, you can use a situational
requirement description: “What else can we do? Your mother is coming on
Lecture 18: Assertive Dialogue to Manage Disagreement
Friday.” The goal is to reach an agreement to change—that works for you
and the other—without beating up yourself or the other person. Ŷ

Telling Your Truth
Step Goal Action (What to Say)
Step 1 Without judgment, describe a speci¿ c “When I see you [do this]” or
behavior of the other person. “When I hear you say [that].”
Step 2 Disclose how you feel as a result, without “I feel ….”
using the expression “you make me.”

Step 3 Declare the effects or impact of the person’s “I can’t focus on my work.” “I lose
behavior on you, your principles, values, or time or money.”
the situation.
Step 4 Ask for the change. Describe what you want “I prefer you to ...” or “I would like
the other to start or stop doing. you to ...” or “I need you to….”

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