Page 63 - Effective Communication Skills by Dalton Kehoe

Assertive Dialogue to Manage Disagreement
Lecture 18

When we have to deal with dif¿cult behavior in others—actions that
challenge our expectations about appropriate behavior in a particular
situation—we often resort to command, a form of control talk. But
command only serves to create resistance. If we want another to
change, we need to assertively ask for it with dialogue talk spoken in a
voice that communicates courage, calm, and clarity. In this lecture, we
learn the essential steps for doing this successfully.

here are three steps to successful assertive dialogue: show up, stay in,
and speak out. First let’s discuss how to show up in your head in the
Tmoment. When someone does something that infringes on our sense
of self or our sense of fairness, feelings of righteous indignation or anger
instantly appear in our conscious mind. Our mind zooms into the past to
compare this moment to other moments so we can make a judgment. But we
need to stay in this moment. To do that effectively, we need to take a breath
and ask ourselves “What really did happen here?” or “I wonder why they
might have acted like this?”

Next, I want you to stay in the moment and prepare to speak authentically.
Assertiveness starts with your adult ego state and involves self-talk focused
on problem solving in the moment, beginning with three questions: “What
do I want out of this situation?” “What do I think they want?” and “What
can I say or do that will get me the outcome I am looking for and preserve
the dignity of everyone involved?” The answers to these inner questions
are communicated to the other through a ¿rm but pleasant tone of voice,

direct eye contact, appropriate facial gestures, a con¿dent body stance, and

controlled body movements.
Now we’re ready to speak. Speaking out effectively in the moment means
we can say what we mean and tell the other our perceptions, thoughts, and
feelings about what happened. Use descriptive I-messages or you-action

messages. Assertive dialogue talk shows that you have con¿dence in yourself

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