Page 58 - Effective Communication Skills by Dalton Kehoe

away with our own judgments and opinions—that’s not really possible—but
we create a space between our judgment and our overt reactions that opens a
door for listening.

In dialogue talk, we have to speak so people will listen: We use descriptive
I-messages. Descriptive talk means taking judgment out of our words and
giving the other good information in a bad situation. This means telling
the only truth we own—saying what we think, see, hear, and feel right
now. Descriptive I-messages
take a little practice because you-
I-message acknowledgements messages come to mind so easily in
help us stay connected dif¿ cult situations.
with the other, even
Let’s practice reframing some
in disagreement. common you-messages. “You’re
wrong.” Instead, how about “I
disagree”? Isn’t that what you really
want to describe—your state of disagreement? You really have no business
talking about their “wrongness.” Here’s another one: “You aren’t making
Lecture 16: Healing Relationships with Dialogue Talk
any sense.” Let’s change this one to “I don’t understand.” That’s all you can
honestly say. The other may think he or she is making pretty good sense
from his or her perspective.

I-message acknowledgements help us stay connected with the other, even
in disagreement. I-message acknowledgements are inherently appreciative.
They recognize the other positively even when the situation isn’t
working well. Ŷ

Suggested Reading

Kehoe, Communication in Everyday Life.

Exercises

1. Have you ever described your feelings by telling someone else how he
or she made you feel? “You make me so angry!” Doesn’t that seem odd?
These are your feelings; why are you talking about what you think is in

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