Page 55 - Effective Communication Skills by Dalton Kehoe

x Accusations. “You don’t care,” “you don’t realize how I feel,”
or “you don’t pay attention.” These are the mind-reading you-
messages through which we tell the other what he or she is thinking,
feeling, and believing in the situation.
x Blame. “You made me.” These messages are simply dishonest ways
of expressing our feelings.

Once we start down the you-message path, we leave the other no choice but
to react emotionally to our critical judgments, commands, or attacks.

Rationally, heavy control talk makes no sense at all. The problem that started
it doesn’t get solved, and the other person can’t truly be made to be wrong. He
or she can only be silenced.
Emotionally, however,
it makes tremendous
sense to us. The upheaval
somehow releases us from
responsibility for our own
bad behavior.

The worst thing about
control talk in general—
and heavy control talk
in particular—is that no
matter how the drama
ends, it undermines the © Pixland/Thinkstock.
integrative, connective
basis of the relationship.
We do all of this because Heavy control talk is a natural human response

we don’t have a natural to conÀict, but it never resolves the issue.
way of talking to each other
that keeps us connected even as we struggle with differences. So it’s time to
take action: Start learning to manage your emotions and your voice with the
exercises below. Ŷ

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