Page 52 - Effective Communication Skills by Dalton Kehoe

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less knowledge than we do (and wants what we have), or feels he or she has
little to contribute in the situation.

What about light control for solving communication problems as they
emerge? When connect talk goes awry or persuasive control talk suddenly
feels threatening, people are often taken by surprise and begin to have
negative emotions. For example, when one person undermines the unspoken
agreement about playful sharing of similarities in connect talk by saying
something that is heard as critical, the
other may instantly feel the need to get
When we start using light them to “see the light.”
control on others, they
What does light control talk look like in
generally resist us. action? You start from a critical judgment
about the other or the other’s behavior.
You then tell the other your story and his
or her own story. You frame your responses with “you are” and “you should”
messages to tell the other how to think, act, or feel. You listen, but only to
Lecture 14: Differences, Disagreement, and Control Talk

¿nd something you can use in your argument. To make this work, you show
little or no acknowledgement of the other’s side of the story. If your version
of logic and rationality isn’t working, then you go straight to work on the
other’s emotions.

When we start using light control on others, they generally resist us. They
pay us back and use light control to defend themselves. Things can get very
competitive, leading to frustration, rising anger, and even the worst kind of
exchange—heavy control talk, which we’ll discuss in the next lecture. Ŷ