Page 54 - Effective Communication Skills by Dalton Kehoe

Commands, Accusations, and Blame
Lecture 15

The problem with light control talk is that when we use it to make
others wrong, they are likely to respond by using it on us so that they
can stay right. This competitive struggle can easily escalate and lead us
down the path to the worst kind of talk—heavy control talk. The reason
we analyze this most problematic form of talk is because it doesn’t
happen by accident; it is one of our built-in, natural responses to other
people when they don’t give us what we want. It’s just the complicated
and threatening end of the continuum of natural responses we have to
resistance in other people.

rguing back with others in competitive light control leads down
the path to heavy control talk. Once we’ve undermined their
Aarguments (and their conversational face), we hit back with “better”
arguments—remembering that truth is less important than the strength
of our assertion. We make arguments that are driven by plausibility rather
than accuracy: arguments that sound right. Our basic assumption is that we
Lecture 15: Commands, Accusations, and Blame
have all the data we need; we have an answer, and we’re not considering
alternatives. As they continue to resist—and our feelings begin to drive our
thoughts—we use more negative or hard tactics. We threaten them or call
them names. Up to this point, it was just an argument about something else,
but now we’re beginning to feel that this is about us. They are resisting us
just to make us angry or hurt us.

So how do we speak in heavy control talk? The basic speech forms of heavy
control are built on the you-message. This opening phrase structures the
assertion that follows so it will be taken personally. You-messages come in
several forms:

x Critical labels. “You are” descriptors don’t refer to the surface
behavior of the person but to the person’s essence.

x Commands. “Do it.” When someone says this to us, it is a direct
attack on our face and esteem in a conversation.

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