Page 57 - Effective Communication Skills by Dalton Kehoe

Healing Relationships with Dialogue Talk
Lecture 16

Dialogue talk is the one mode of talk that is not automatic. When we
are facing a communication breakdown, dialogue talk requires that we
move from “reactive rightness” to a conscious choice to be mindful and
appreciative in our approaches to the conversation. In making these
choices, we are shifting from controlling others to managing ourselves,
temporarily getting ourselves out of the way so we can think together
with the other—as opposed to making up our mind ¿rst and then trying

to convince the other of our view through control talk.

n dialogue talk we choose to be mindful, appreciative, meta-
communicators in dif¿cult situations—and as a result the outcomes can

Ibe far more positive than those we create using control talk. What is the
nature of dialogue talk? What are its fundamental assumptions? Notice how

these are really the opposite of control talk. The ¿rst assumption of dialogue
talk is that I’m here to solve the problem, not to save my face. This means
that I’m managing myself, not the other. The next assumption is that we both
have to change. This assumption recognizes the essential interconnectedness
of face-to-face talk and human relationships. In dialogue talk, we’re equals.
We’re both involved at the same level.

In dialogue talk, I assume that my story is my story—and it’s obvious only
to me. Our complementary assumption is that the other has his or her story,
which is obvious only to him or her. Therefore, I assume next that I will have
all the data only when I listen to the other’s story. Finally, in dialogue talk we
always ask ourselves, how did we contribute to this situation?

Using dialogue talk requires that we make two more critical choices before
we speak: (1) to manage our emotions and (2) to make a conscious choice
to seek understanding of the other person before making our points in the
conversation. Managing our emotions means we must take a breath, pause,
and ask ourselves a question. We commit to seeking understanding ¿ rst; this
is a commitment to the ¿rst step in appreciation. When we learn to suspend

judgment, we open the door to seeing the other’s point of view. We don’t do

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