Page 60 - Effective Communication Skills by Dalton Kehoe

Focus on the Other—The Heart of Dialogue
Lecture 17

Dialogue talk is about getting the person on the other side of the problem
to talk to us. In this lecture, we examine two interrelated processes:
how to ask the kind of questions that will get people to talk openly;
and how to listen, keep them talking, and show your understanding of
what they are trying to communicate. These two processes are at the
heart of dialogue talk and really matter if we want to be effective in
dif¿ cult situations.

n a conversation, we already know where we stand, but we need to try
and ¿nd out where the other person is. We can start by asking appreciative

Iquestions to get the information Àowing. Remember, we want good
information—accurate, truthful, relevant, and clear. In emotional, uneasy
moments, where unexpected differences or position-taking disagreements
have damaged our connection, this is the hardest information to come by.
Lecture 17: Focus on the Other—The Heart of Dialogue
Use open-ended questions: who, what, where, when, how, and how much.
Using questions framed in an appreciative and solution-focused mode
can help people clarify their own thoughts without putting them on the
defensive. Instead of “Why did this happen?” try “How did this happen?” In
place of “Why isn’t this working?” try “What can we do to make this work?”
In dif¿cult situations, it’s hard for people to hear “why” as anything but a

search for blame. Then ask appropriate closed-ended questions to clarify
what they’ve said or probe for more speci¿c facts and details.

Listening actively is the heart of dialogue talk because it is the one act of
communication that engages all of the ideals of effective talk. That’s not
hyperbole—if you take one thing away from this course, this is the idea to
take. Active listening requires mindful attention, an appreciative mind-set,
and meta-communication. It also calls for emotional self-management and
a provisional, open attitude. It is called active listening because you have
to be active internally and externally—making a conscious effort to do it
effectively. The upside of all the effort involved is that it is the only form of
talk that helps you solve problems and enhance relationships at the same time.

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