Page 66 - Effective Communication Skills by Dalton Kehoe

Compassionate Confrontation
Lecture 19

This lecture reviews the steps of structured dialogue. This is a process
that should be used when you’ve asked for a behavior change from
another but haven’t seen a long-term effect. The important thing to
note is that this process can’t be taken on lightly. It takes time, focus,
patience, energy, and lots of self-management to make it work.

tructured dialogue is simply a slowed-down, opened-up form of
dialogue talk: Its goal is the achievement of mutual understanding
Sbefore taking action to resolve an issue. If you have a persistent
problem communicating with someone, then you need to be the one to start
structured dialogue. Like dialogue talk, this approach has to start in our
heads. We ¿rst need to create the internal conditions that will allow us to

emotionally self-manage. We can do that by committing to appreciation.
Remember, appreciation means committing yourself to three elements: full
understanding; valuing the other, even in disagreement; and making things
better for both of you.

There are also external conditions that have to be in place for an effective
Lecture 19: Compassionate Confrontation
structured dialogue to happen; these are fairly straightforward. First of all,
choose a safe place and appropriate time. Do it when kids are not around, if
you have kids. Do not attempt it just before going to bed or when either of
you is already exhausted from a hard day of work. Invite the other person to
the process, and make it an appointment. Set aside at least 30–60 minutes of
time, because talking about persistent problems can’t be done in 5 minutes.

Before you actually begin the discussion, ask the other person to commit with
you to two simple process guidelines for carrying out an effective discussion:
Let’s not leave until the time is up, and let’s try not to interrupt or attack
each other. Open your structured dialogue with a statement that describes
the situation from both of your points of view; I call this a mutualizing
acknowledgement. Begin your sentence by saying something like “I think
this affects us both …,” and then follow this up with one sentence describing

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