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Making Your Words Count 167

have an impact has passed. Men, on the other hand, have been
socialized to be competitive and assertive. In meetings they jump
in with their ideas, sometimes just to demonstrate their knowledge
to the group.
As I’ve discussed, being a good listener is critical to communi-
cating effectively. However, perpetual silence doesn’t make you seem
patient and sage so much as ineffectual and inscrutable. You don’t
want others to assume they know your point of view so you need to
speak up enough to make your intentions, interests, and perspectives
known.
Gerri Elliott, a vice president at Microsoft, says, “I will always be
the one to bring up the elephant in the room.” She points out that
people who are ultimately heard are sometimes the ones who raise
the topics that no one wants to talk about, but that need to be on the
table. “Asserting yourself is harder in certain cultures. And no mat-
ter who you are, someone can question your idea,” she says. “But it
is all about what you know and how you say it.”
Women have great ideas and can think through them well. The
challenge for us is not being afraid to say them. Learning to assert
yourself when it isn’t your natural inclination can seem about as easy
as learning to not be scared of heights when you are. But everyone
can learn to be assertive in certain situations, even if it isn’t something
that comes naturally to them.
Another barrier for women is that we sometimes spend so much
time crafting our message and thinking through the best way and
time to talk about it that by the time we are ready and feel com-
fortable to speak, people have moved on. Or, as many women
explain, by the time they are really ready to speak, they are in the
car driving home! For many of us, it gets down to the fear that what
we say won’t be right or it may offend someone. I coach women to
speak up in a conversation by using the “throw your hat in the ring”