Page 288 - Writing Winning Business Proposals

A Few Comments About Writing Effective Sentences (and Paragraphs) 279

For many years now, ABC has grown by increasing its share of the modestly
expanding household and appliance market, primarily by producing high-
quality products at competitive costs and by being very responsive to the
needs of its customers. As a result, ABC has become one of the premier divi-
sions within Consolidated Industries. . . .

Recognizing these threats, ABC’s management group has suggested several
alternatives for increasing capacity, but little agreement exists about how that
capacity should be developed, and no agreement exists about the amount of
capacity required. Consensus does exist, however, in two areas: Additional capac-
ity will be needed and the time when it will be needed is fast approaching.

Here, the first three subjects (the ABC organization itself or a group within it)
are all concrete. The next subject (agreement) is abstract, but the following two
(agreement and consensus) are concrete because of the context established by the
first use of agreement.
By using concrete subjects in situation, you focus on my question: “What is
your understanding of my problem?” rather than some anonymous question like
“What is the problem?”
In methods, similarly, you usually don’t want to answer, “What will be done?”;
you probably want to answer “What will you (or your firm) do?” The first ques-
tion calls for an anonymous answer, with an abstract noun as subject: “In Phase
I, the resources that are required will be specified.” The second question calls for
a concrete noun as subject, “we” or the name of your firm: “In Phase I, we will
specify the resources required to. . . . ”
In benefits, you should try to place either the benefactor (you) or the benefi-
ciary (me) in the subject slot. That is, the template sentence should be either “We
will give this to you” or “You will receive this from us.” In either case, the subject
slot will contain a concrete noun.
Problems are only problems to people or organizations; they aren’t abstractions
floating in the air affecting no one or some anonymous others. Too many pro-
posals I’ve read describe my organization’s problems or opportunities as if they
weren’t mine, as if I weren’t affected by them. The situation slots tend to address
some situation, but not one that’s concretely and recognizably mine. Similarly
with benefits. When proposals I’ve read include benefits, they sound like generic
blandishments—and bland ones at that—not benefits that I sense can be mine
or that are written with me in mind. In almost all cases, the problems described
and the benefits articulated seem abstract because the proposal’s sentences don’t
include me and my organization as grammatical subjects.