Page 290 - Writing Winning Business Proposals

A Few Comments About Writing Effective Sentences (and Paragraphs) 281

Combine There, It, That, Which, or Who with to Be?

When words like there and it are combined with a form of the verb to be, they
often signal wordiness. As with the first two sentences below, the only revision
needed is a simple deletion. The third sentence requires a little more.

◉ A problem exists with the air-conditioning system that was recently
purchased.
◉ When the system crashes, those employees who are working on the system
have to reenter their data.
◉ There are likely to be thousands of people [will likely be] laid off at the auto-
mobile plant.

Avoid There is … that and It is … that?

When a sentence begins with there or it, takes a form of the verb to be, and con-
tains a following that or which, you can very easily revise by eliminating all the
offending words:

◉ It is the lack of space, however, that is the problem.
◉ There is one other disadvantage that makes renovating an unattractive option.

Use Parallelism?

Do you like swimming, fishing, and hunting? Or do you like swimming, to fish,
and hunting? If you focus not on the activities but on the sentences, I hope you
say that you like the first sentence rather than the second. The first places simi-
lar ideas (in this case, things you might like to do) within similar grammatical
structures (in this case, -ing verbs). The second sentence places similar ideas
within nonparallel structures. That’s why the sentence probably sounded strange
to you; if you had written it, you would sound strange and perhaps unintelligent
to your reader. So one good reason to use parallelism is that you avoid sound-
ing stupid. Another good reason is that your writing (and speaking) will sound
more coherent. Incoherent writing, like incoherent behavior, appears random and
disconnected:

I like swimming. Fishing is another enjoyable activity to me. You know, to go
out and hunt really enlivens your senses.