Page 38 - Effective Communication Skills by Dalton Kehoe

Infants with an anxious/ambivalent attachment style have caregivers who are
inconsistent and overbearing in their affection. These infants are unusually
anxious, because they can never predict when and how their caregivers
will respond to their needs. People raised in this style desperately seek
closeness to others but experience mixed,

conÀicted feelings even when they are in a
The current research loving relationship.
and thinking is that,
The current research and thinking is that,
with conscious effort,
with conscious effort, we can modify our
we can modify our
learned attachment style as we mature—by
learned attachment challenging the negative view of our self
style as we mature. that it entails and by building relationships
that foster secure connections in the present.
This helps us rebuild our self-esteem. Let’s

connect attachment style directly to our de¿nition of self-esteem: The secure
attachment style clearly fosters a child’s self-esteem. Parents in the other two
styles, however, are treating their children as unlovable and insigni¿ cant.
Whatever those children do, their behavior is criticized or ignored; they come
to see themselves as incompetent. This damages their sense of self-worth

and sets them up for future dif¿culty in dealing with other relationships. Ŷ
Lecture 9: Self, Attachment, and Self-Esteem
Suggested Reading

Falikowski, Mastering Human Relations.

Exercises

1. We are sometimes awakened by an awkward communicational moment,
where by accident we undermine who we think we are in a conversation
(competent, involved), or someone else intentionally does that for us.
Can you recall a moment when, for instance, you were caught saying
something inappropriate or not paying attention? Did you notice your
gaffe, or did someone else point it out to you? What did that moment
feel like? What did you to do to cover yourself (notice the implication of
exposure here)? Did you pretend it didn’t happen and carry on; did you
apologize; did you bluster and put someone else on the spot for your

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