Page 42 - Effective Communication Skills by Dalton Kehoe

of our voices, our word choices, and how we act toward others. We are
always trying to get from others what we need. Berne gives three names
to these internal ego states: parent, child, and adult. These names represent
the general emotional states the ego can be in as it deals with the world. In
turn, each of these ego states has several different levels representing a tone
of voice and a style of communicating. We recognize and respond to the
differing tonalities automatically. To deal with dif¿ cult talk, we need to ¿ nd
our adult voice—the only ego state that focuses on information and problem
solving and that calls out the same state in the person we’re talking to. Ŷ

Suggested Reading

Falikowski, Mastering Human Relations.

Exercises

1. The next time you are with several people in conversation, lean back and
listen to the voices going by. People change their emotional positions in
conversation all the time, and it shows in the way they sound.
Lecture 10: Protecting the Self in Face-to-Face Talk

2. As you recall a dif¿cult conversational moment, notice the sound of your
own voice when another said that you were being defensive (or notice
how others sounded when you thought they were being defensive). Can
you name the voice? Were you (or the other) using one of the defenses
we have discussed? Which one?

3. Get conscious the next time you are confronted by someone else’s
criticism of your behavior or misattribution of your motives. Pause
before you speak, calm yourself, and try to respond in your adult voice,
describing your behavior or feelings from your point of view as if you
were observing them. If the other’s comments show some insight,
calmly acknowledge their truth before you move on to describe yours.

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