Page 357 - Effective Communication Soft Skills Strategies For Success by Nitin Bhatnagar, Mamta Bhatnagar

Model Question Papers | 345

9. Effective way of overcoming non-assertive behaviour is giving ‘I’ messages. The following
aspects will explain the same.

‘I’ messages denote accepting responsibility for our feelings. This is one of the most impor-
tant skills you can acquire. A good rule of thumb is: ‘If you have a problem, make an “I”
statement. If you are helping someone with a problem, make empathy responses.’ An ‘I’
statement consists of a description of how you feel and an indication of the conditions
under which you feel that way. It takes this form: ‘I feel (your emotions) when (under what
conditions)’. It will be helpful if you recognize how many decisions you have made in the
process of becoming emotional or upset.
How we handle our feelings is based on our perceptions, our attributions, our under-
standing of what we are feeling, and our intentions, we are responsible for our feelings,
because we have chosen to feel whatever we feel (no matter how miserable), so we must
‘own’ our feelings. In short, no one can make us feel any way; we decide.
Regardless of the etiology of feelings, suppressing or denying our feelings may lead to
several problems: (i) increased irritability and conflicts with others, (ii) difficulty resolving
interpersonal problems (being ‘logical’ doesn’t mean ignoring feelings, but dealing with
them), (iii) distorted perception and blind spots (like seeing only the bad parts of a person
we are mad at) in a relationship, and (iv) other people may suspect we have feelings and
ask us to be honest with them (which is hard to do if we are being dishonest with ourselves
or unaware). These are good reasons for expressing our feelings in a tactful, constructive
manner. ‘I’ statements serve this purpose.
‘I’ statements do not judge, blame, threaten, put down or try to control others; they
simply report how you feel, which is rarely challengeable by anyone else.
One can consider using ‘I’ statements:

• Any time one wants to share one’s feelings or desires in a frank, unthreatening,
undemanding way. When one is trying to disclose more about oneself to build a
relationship.
• Any time stress is experienced in a relationship, especially if one is feeling angry
or dissatisfied or if the other person is resistive to changing in response to the requests

or demands.
• If both parties have problems, i.e., both can take turns giving ‘I’ statements and giving
empathy responses.

• If the other person is using a lot of ‘you’ (blaming, critical) statements, try to translate
them into ‘I’ statements and empathize with the accuser’s feelings.

‘You’ statements ‘I’ statements
Blaming: ‘You make me so mad’. ‘I feel angry when you ___.’ Or, ‘I have chosen to
let it bother me when you___.’
Judging or labelling: ‘You are an inconsiderate, ‘I feel betrayed when you criticize me in front of
hostile, arrogant creep.’ others.’

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