Page 166 - Make Work Great

Leading Your Crystal

goal—is to learn about the other person’s situation, so that you can
paint a clearer picture in your own mind of what’s really going on.
You need to be listening, and your body language needs to show it.
Notice that this approach is different than asking questions such
as “Why is that a problem?” or “How long has this been happen-
ing?” The act of questioning is verbally aggressive: it puts the other
person on the spot to provide answers, and it forces the conversation
toward the topic of your question. Your goal, by contrast, is to put
the other person at ease and allow him or her to direct the topic of
the conversation to what is most important. Mary’s lack of weekly
reports may ultimately be due to a problem with Mary, a problem
with the weekly reports, or a problem with Mary’s manager, to name
just a few possibilities. Asking “When was the last time Mary wrote
a report?” may answer your most pressing inquiry, but it may push
many more useful areas of exploration to the back burner.
Your goal is understanding, not analysis. Imagine that you’re plan-
ning to produce a movie of the situation. As the producer, you’re far
more interested in the story line than in the outcome for any indi-
vidual character. Listen carefully to what you hear so that you learn
the details of the situation, the characters, and the confl icts involved.
Three conversational techniques can be helpful in this regard:

• Make open-ended requests for information. Ideally, the person
will talk—and you’ll listen—until the whole story is disclosed. But
the mechanics of conversation require that you respond with some
frequency to show that you’re still engaged and that you want to hear
more. While you can’t just keep parroting the phrase “Tell me more
about that,” you can—and should—continuously express interest in
the other person’s version of the situation until he or she is done.
Remember the power of nonverbal cues and show the person you’re
listening. If you can’t give the matter your full attention, ask for the
person’s permission to schedule the conversation a little later.
• Clarify by tentatively rephrasing your understanding as you
go. The stronger your focus on trying to re-create the story, the more
often you’ll fi nd yourself wishing for clarifi cation about certain ele-

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