Page 133 - How Great Leaders Build Abundant Organizations That Win

THE WHY OF WORK

pain in being the same as everyone else, just another cog in
the wheel.” 5
Relationships are always working at cross-purposes to
some extent because people have conflicting needs for both
involvement and individuality, time together and time apart.
As our need for closeness is met, we begin to feel more
keenly our need for solitude, for achievement, or for respite
from the anxiety of relating. When we get too far into our
own heads or work, we start to long for contact with others.
But when we get too much of that good thing, we start to
long for time apart. Tannen goes on to say, “It’s a double
bind because whatever we do to serve one need necessarily
violates the other. . . . Because of this double bind, commu-
nication will never be perfect; we cannot reach stasis. We
have no choice but to keep trying to balance independence
and involvement, freedom and safety, the familiar and the
strange—continually making adjustments as we list to one
side or the other.” 6
In navigating these competing needs, Tannen finds that
women in conversation often emphasize how people are
alike, while men more readily point out differences. When
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we don’t play our expected gender role when talking with
our own gender, we may create mistrust or confusion without
anyone really knowing why. Likewise, when men and women
talk together, they may wonder why they end up feeling at
cross-purposes. Regardless of gender, our competing needs
for solidarity and solitude, sameness and uniqueness are prob-
ably easier to balance if they are explicit to us and others.
Another aspect of closeness and distance is also important
to consider in work relationships. To illustrate, ask yourself
whom you would be most likely to turn to if you needed a
creative solution to a problem—a close friend or a relative

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