Page 182 - Using the Enneagram System to Identify and Grow Your Leadership Strengths and Achieve Maximum Success

Become an Excellent Communicator 157

In contrast, commonplace conversations bore Fours, who then
have trouble staying focused. In addition, when Fours listen, they
may redirect a conversation to themselves by sharing a personal
experience, one that has been elicited by what the other person is
discussing. Although the Four’s intention is usually to deepen the
dialogue and enhance rapport, others may perceive the Four as
being self-oriented and failing to listen.

Give Effective Feedback
When giving constructive feedback, Fours are typically empathetic and
truthful. They anticipate another’s reaction, consider what the other
person truly wants, think through instances when the person’s behav-
ior and desires have not matched, and try to understand how and
what the other person thinks and feels. All of this occurs in the Four’s
mind before he or she even meets with the feedback recipient.
Because of this, Fours need to be careful not to presume that
they know what another person has in mind or that everyone is as
sensitive as they are, and they need to be especially careful not to
presuppose that the feedback recipient wants to discuss feelings
and issues in the same depth that Fours relish.

Manage Conflict Constructively
When Fours are directly involved in conflict, they usually feel
unsettled. Fours worry about the potential damage that the con-
flict may cause to the relationship, and they become highly upset
when they feel dismissed, slighted, or chronically misunderstood.
When upset, Fours either become extremely quiet or say some-
thing in a surprisingly blunt way. In either case, they become inter-
nally agitated, with multiple feelings, thoughts, and sensations
occurring simultaneously. They often use their rational minds to
analyze their emotional reactions, as if understanding strong feel-
ings will somehow lessen them. In fact, the opposite is sometimes
true; after the Four has dissected the nuances of his or her feel-
ings, those feelings often become more intense. Typically, Fours
don’t let go of their anger easily, and their hurt feelings and anger