Page 77 - Talane Miedaner - Coach Yourself to a New Career_ 7 Steps to Reinventing Your Professional Life (2010)

STEP 2: IDENTIFY YOUR PERSONAL REQUIREMENTS 65

relationship. Ultimately, you can choose whether to continue that
relationship. The good news is that I’ve never seen a case in which
honoring one’s boundaries was not rewarded. Sometimes friend-
ships, relationships, or jobs will end, which creates the space for
new and better people and opportunities to come into your life.
I’ve had clients who decided to quit their jobs when all else failed.
For example, one woman’s boss just didn’t get it and persisted in
making sexist and derogatory remarks about her. She quit and
found a new position in which people treated her with respect and
she made more money to boot!
Boundaries are not about controlling people. We can’t control
others, and we can’t force people to treat us in a certain way, but we
can protect ourselves and choose what environments we stay in.

Will I Seem Too Demanding?

Don’t be afraid of coming across too strong in using this model.
Remember, to demand is the third step. First, inform and request
before you demand. And if you do so in a neutral tone of voice (not
a demanding or righteous tone), then you’ll engender respect. Even
if people choose not to honor your boundaries, they will probably
respect you more for having them. Start with the boundaries that
are most important to you, and work your way down.
Also, this isn’t a one-way street. The flip side of boundaries is
standards, the level of conduct to which we hold ourselves. It isn’t
appropriate to have the boundary “You can’t yell at me” if you are
yelling at others. Expanding your boundaries may have the ben-
efit that you will also need to raise your personal standards of
conduct.
One client was very demanding and had a hot temper. She used
to yell at her colleagues and employees and expected them to put
up with her bad behavior. Finally, one employee had strong enough
boundaries and told her it wasn’t OK for her to yell at him for any
reason. He wouldn’t stay in a job in which he was treated so badly.
Whenever she raised her voice, he immediately informed her in
a gentle but firm tone. She got the message, respected him for it,