Page 60 - Crucial Conversations

42 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS

When we (the authors) are in the middle of an on-site work­
shop and we suggest there are alternatives to Sucker's Choicesj
someone invariably says: "Maybe you can speak honestly and
still be heard in other organizations, but if you try it here, you'll
!
be eaten alive " Or the flip side: "You've got to know when to
fold if you want to survive for another day." Then in a hail of "I'll
say!" and "Here, here " many nod in agreement.
!
At first, we thought that maybe there were places where dia­
logue couldn't survive. But then we learned to ask: "Are you say­
ing there isn't anyone you know who is able to hold a high-risk
conversation in a way that solves problems and builds relation­
ships?" There usually is.

SUMMARY-START WITH H E ART

Here's how people who are skilled at dialogue stay focused on
their goals-particularly when the going gets tough.

Work on Me First
• Remember that the only person you can directly control is
yourself.

Focus on What You Really Want
• When you find yourself moving toward silence or violencej
stop and pay attention to your motives.
• Ask yourself: "What does my behavior tell me about what
my motives are?"

• Then, clarify what you really want. Ask yourself: "What do
I want for myself? For others? For the relationship?"
• And finally, ask: "How would I behave if this were what I
really wanted?"