Page 67 - Crucial Conversations

LEARN TO LOOK 49

is beginning to disengage and you're at risk of moving away from
healthy dialogue?

learn to look for Safety Problems

If you can catch signs that the conversation is starting to tum cru­
cial-before you get sucked so far into the actual argument that
you can never withdraw from the content-then you can start
dual-processing immediately. And what exactly should you watch
for? People who are gifted at dialogue keep a constant vigil on
safety. They pay attention to the content-that's a given-and
they watch for signs that people are afraid. When friends, loved
ones, or colleagues move away from healthy dialogue (freely
adding to the pool of meaning)-either forcing their opinions
into the pool or purposefully keeping their ideas out of the pool­
they immediately tum their attention to whether or not others feel
safe.
W h en it's saf e , you can say anything. Here's why gifted com­
municators keep a close eye on safety. Dialogue calls for the free
flow of meaning-period. And nothing kills the flow of meaning
like fear. When you fear that people aren't buying into your
ideas, you start pushing too hard. When you fear that you may
be harmed in some way, you start withdrawing and hiding. Both
these reactions-to fight and to take flight-are motivated by
the same emotion: f e ar. On the other hand, if you make it safe
enough, you can talk about almost anything and people wi1l lis­
ten. If you don't fear that you're being attacked or humiliated,
you yourself can hear almost anything and not become defensive.
Think about your own experience. Can you remember receiv­
ing really blistering feedback from someone at some point in your
l i f e, but in this instance you didn't become defensive? Instead,
you absorbed the feedback. Y o u reflected on it. Y o u allowed it to
influence you. If so, ask yourself why. Why in this instance were