Page 69 - Crucial Conversations

LEARN TO LOOK 5 1

!
under attack " you think. Then you respond in kind. Or maybe
you try to escape. Either way you're not dual-processing and
then pulling out a skill to restore safety. Instead, you're becom­
ing part of the problem as you get pulled into the fight.
Imagine the magnitude of what we're suggesting here. We're
asking you to recode silence and violence as signs that people are
feeling unsafe. We're asking you to fight your natural tendency
to respond in kind. We're asking you to undo years of practice,
maybe even eons of genetic shaping that prod you to take flight
or pick a fight (when under attack), and recode the stimulus.
"Ah, that's a sign that the other person feels unsafe." And then
what? Do something to make it safe. In the next chapter we'll
explore how. For now, simply learn to look for safety and then be
curious, not angry or frightened.

Silence a n d Violence
As people begin to feel unsafe, they start down one of two
unhealthy paths. They move either to silence (withholding mean­
ing from the pool) or to violence (trying to force meaning in the
pool). That part we know. But let's add a little more detail. Just
as a little knowledge of what to look for can tum blurry water
into a brown trout, knowing a few of the common forms of
silence and violence helps you see safety problems when they
first start to happen. That way you can step out, restore safety,
and return to dialogue-before the damage is too great.

Silence

Silence consists of any act to purposefully withhold information
from the pool of meaning. It's almost always done as a means of
avoiding potential problems, and it always restricts the flow of
meaning. Methods range from playing verbal games to avoiding
u person entirely. The three most common forms of silence are
masking. avoiding, and withdrawing.