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WHOM DO I TRAVEL WITH? (RELATIONSHIPS AND TEAMS [TH]AT WORK)

common pattern, one partner begins to distance from the
other, showing outward signs of disinterest and withdrawal
as things heat up. The other partner gets frustrated and ups
the ante, raising the volume, moving closer, determined to
make the distancer come back and face the music. Observers
can see that the pursuer looks anxious and frustrated, and the
monitors confirm that blood pressure is rising and adrenaline
is pumping. But the monitors also pick up something quite
unexpected about the cool, disinterested distancer. That part-
ner’s physiological signs of stress (blood pressure, adrenaline
response, activation of the part of the brain that responds to
a threat), though unseen, are also extreme. While the two
display their stress differently on the outside, both are being
flooded by intense feelings of anxiety and stress. In fact, the
apparent escape artist’s stress levels are so high as to interfere
with clear thinking and problem-solving skill. Being chased by
the outwardly upset spouse only makes the problem worse.
Some of us have seen similar patterns at work, even if the
outward display of emotion is more restrained there. Only
when both individuals agree to come back to the problem at
a later time when their physiology has calmed down are they
likely to get very far with a resolution.
Spouses, bosses, and friends can go a long way to improve
the emotional climate in a given setting by avoiding what
John Gottman calls the “four deadly horsemen” of criticism,
contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These charac-
teristics so powerfully undercut marriages that if they show
up steadily in the first three minutes of a marital conversa-
tion, researchers can predict with 96 percent accuracy that
the conversation will end badly. The long-term prediction for
divorce or deep dissatisfaction with the marriage follows the
same pattern. In contrast, whether at work or in marriage, if

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