Page 48 - Effective Communication Skills Mastery Bible 4 Books in 1 Boxset by Tuhovsky, Ian

Offending your interlocutors usually leads to activation of

defense mechanisms in them, which helps them defend their

self-image. Telling your partner, “You don’t love me!” will

probably end with the negation, “It’s not true. I love you!”

retaliation, then “You constantly jump at me!” and eventually

escalation of conflict (“Here we go again. How many times
can you make up problems that don’t even exist? When will

you stop behaving like a little boy/girl?!”). Instead of attacking

your interlocutor, it is more beneficial to tell them about your

own feelings, which have an educational and informative

character and are safe for your interlocutor’s integrity and self-
image. In reference to the above example, instead of, “You

don’t love me!”, a much more effective and wiser message

would be, “Yesterday, when you said that I looked bad in that

dress, I felt very sad!” If the interlocutor says that they did not

have that on their mind, it is worth explaining. “I understand
and I’m glad that your intentions were different. Nevertheless,

I understood it that way. Next time, could you say that in a

different way, for example …?”

This sixth rule saves you from unnecessary conflicts,

relationship problems and a waste of time and energy.
Remember: always describe your feelings without attacking

and offending your interlocutor. It will just lead you astray.

7. Does What You Say Concern A Person Or Their

Behaviors?

Our opinions about others are always generalized and we

usually reduce them to a common denominator. It’s always an

evaluation of some kind and it does not matter if it’s positive

(“You are very smart”) or negative (“You are so stupid!”), it

always builds a biased and unreal picture of our interlocutors