Page 49 - Effective Communication Skills Mastery Bible 4 Books in 1 Boxset by Tuhovsky, Ian

in their (and often our) minds. It’s unreal, because everyone

has moments when they act either in a very intelligent or really

dumb manner. Moreover, it always depends on the observer’s

opinion, because after all, there are no “one hundred percent

objective criteria” of intelligence and stupidity (even complex

IQ and EQ tests or extremities like Darwin Awards can’t be
viewed objectively in all cases). These unreal or biased

pictures build a particular type of biased self-esteem (or self-

doubts) and the message itself describes the external reality for

your interlocutor (even if biased), which makes any changes

almost impossible. What do I mean by that? For instance,
when someone isn’t seemingly very intelligent and has never

acted too smart in many areas of life according to your

opinion, then you can’t really transplant their brain, can you?

However, what you CAN do is refer to their behaviors,

because these—as opposed to inborn capabilities or
personality traits—are quite easy to change. Additionally, it’s

much harder to offend someone when relating only to their

behavior. Instead of, “You are stupid,” say: “When you go to

meet your client next time, please read much more about their

company so you really know what you are talking about,
okay?” Instead of, “You are so intelligent!” it’s sometimes

better to say: “When you expressed your opinion about that

book yesterday, it was so immersive and well-detailed, you

really inspired me to read it!” Rule number seven teaches us

to express opinions about people’s behaviors, not about
them in general.

8. Does What You Say Have Hidden Intentions?

“Honey, weren’t there any prettier dresses in the shop?” is

not a question about availability of other dresses, but a