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Assertiveness Skills | 289

we are afraid of offending others, and so on. Ask yourself if you want to
continue being weak.
Consider where your values—your ‘should’—come from. Children are
bombarded with rules: Don’t be selfish, don’t make mistakes, don’t be emo-
tional, don’t tell people if you don’t like them, don’t be so unreasonable, don’t
question people, don’t interrupt, don’t trouble others with your problems,
don’t complain, don’t upset others, don’t brag, don’t be anti-social, do what
people ask you to do, help people who need help, and on and on. Do any of
these instructions sound familiar? They help produce submissive children
and adults. There are probably good reasons for many of these rules-for-kids
but as adults we need not blindly follow rules. Indeed, each of these injunc-
tions should be broken under certain conditions: You have a right to be first
(sometimes), to make mistakes, to be emotional, to express your feelings, to
have your own reasons, to stop others and ask questions, to ask for help, to
ask for reasonable changes, to have your work acknowledged, to be alone,
to say ‘no’ or ‘I don’t have time’, and so on. The old feelings deep inside of us
may still have powerful control over us. We can change.
Besides recognizing that we have outgrown our unthinking submissive-
ness, we can further reduce our ambivalence about being assertive by recog-
nizing the following harmful effects that result due to unassertiveness:
i. You cheat yourself and lose your self-respect because you are dominated
and can’t change things.
ii. You are forced to be dishonest, concealing your true feelings.
iii. Inequality and submissiveness threatens, if not destroys, love and
respect.
iv. A relationship based on your being a doormat, a slave, a ‘yes-person’,
a cute show piece, or a source of income is oppressive and immoral.
v. Since you must hide your true feeling, you may resort to subtle manip-
ulation to get what you want and this creates resentment.
vi. Your compliance rewards your oppressor.

On the positive side, assertiveness leads to more self-respect and happiness.
Build up your courage by reviewing all the reasons for changing.
Finally, there are obviously situations in which demanding immediate
justice may not be wise, e.g., if you can get fired, if it would cause an unwanted
divorce, if you might be assaulted, etc. Even in these more extreme cases,
perhaps well planned or very gradual changes would be tolerated. Under
any circumstances, discuss the reasons for becoming assertive with the other
people involved so they will understand and approve (if possible) or at least
respect you for being considerate of them, others, and yourself.

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