Page 304 - Effective Communication Soft Skills Strategies For Success by Nitin Bhatnagar, Mamta Bhatnagar

Project Name: Manual for Soft Skills
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unreasonable or inefficient, praise others when they have done well, tell
friends or co-workers about the experiences you have had, and so on. Keep
a diary of your interactions.

‘I’ MESSAGES

Another effective way of overcoming non-assertive behaviour is giving
‘I’ messages. The following aspects will explain the same.
‘I’ messages are used for expressing feelings and accepting responsi-
bility for your feelings. This is one of the most important skills you can
acquire. A good rule of thumb is: ‘If you have a problem, make an ‘I’ state-
ment. If you are helping someone with a problem, make empathy responses’.
An ‘I’ statement consists of a description of how you feel and an indication
of the conditions under which you feel that way. It takes this form: ‘I feel
(your emotions) when (under what conditions)’. It will be helpful if you
recognize how many decisions you have made in the process of becoming
emotional or upset.
Regardless of the etiology of feelings, suppressing, or denying our feel-
ings may lead to several problems: (1) increased irritability and conflicts
with others, (2) difficulty resolving interpersonal problems (being ‘logi-
cal’ doesn’t mean ignoring feelings, but dealing with them), (3) distorted
perception and blind spots (like seeing only the bad parts of a person we
are mad at) in a relationship, and (4) other people may suspect we have
feelings and ask us to be honest with them (which is hard to do if we are
being dishonest with ourselves or unaware). These are good reasons for
expressing our feelings, in a tactful, constructive manner. ‘I’ statements
serve this purpose.
‘I’ statements do not judge, blame, threaten, put down or try to control
others; they simply report how you feel, which is rarely challengeable by
anyone else. When you make an ‘I’ statement, you are taking responsibility
for yon emotions ‘I’ statements inform others about your feelings and, thus,
may lead to change, but they do not demand change or direct others. They
leave the other person responsible and free to decide if he/she will change to
accommodate your needs.
Consider using ‘I’ statements:
• Any time you want to share your feelings or desires in a frank,
unthreatening, undemanding way. When you are trying to disclose
more about yourself to build a relationship.
• Any time stress is experienced in a relationship, especially if you are
feeling angry or dissatisfied or if the other person is resistive to changing
in response to your requests or demands.

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