Page 302 - Effective Communication Soft Skills Strategies For Success by Nitin Bhatnagar, Mamta Bhatnagar

Project Name: Manual for Soft Skills
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Figure Out Appropriate Ways of Asserting Yourself in Each Specific
Situation that Concerns You

There are many ways to devise effective, tactful, and fair assertive responses.
Watch a good model. Discuss the problem situation with a friend, a parent,
a supervisor, a counselor, or any other person. Carefully note how others
respond to situations similar to yours and consider if they are being unas-
sertive, assertive, or aggressive. Most assertiveness trainers recommend that
an effective assertive response contain several parts:
i. Describe (to the other person involved) the troublesome situation as
you see it. Be very specific about time and actions; don’t make general
accusations like ‘You are always hostile...upset...busy’. Be objective;
don’t suggest the other person is a total jerk. Focus on his/her behav-
iour, not on his/her apparent motives.
ii. Describe your feelings, using an ‘I’ statement, which shows that you
take responsibility for your feelings. Be firm and strong, look at them,
be sure of yourself, and don’t get emotional. Focus on positive feelings
related to your goals if you can, and not on your resentment of the
other person. Sometimes it is helpful to explain why you feel, as you
do, so your statement becomes ‘I feel______because____’.
iii. Describe the changes you would like to make. Be specific about what
action should stop and what should start. Be sure the requested
changes are reasonable; consider the other person’s needs too, and be
willing to make changes yourself in return.

Practise Giving Assertive Responses

Using the responses you have just developed, role-play the problem situations
with a friend or, if that isn’t possible, simply imagine interacting assertively.
Start with real life easy-to-handle situations and work up to more chal-
lenging ones expected in the future.
You will quickly discover if your friend plays the role realistically, that
you need to do more than simply rehearse the assertiveness responses. You
will realize that no matter how calm and tactful you are, how much you use
‘I’ statements, and how much you play down a desire for change, it will still
sometimes come out smelling like a personal assault to the other person.
The other person may not be aggressive (since you have been tactful) but
you should realize that strong reactions are possible, e.g., getting mad and
calling you names, counter-attacking and criticizing you, seeking revenge,
becoming threatening or ill, or suddenly being contrite and overly apolo-
getic or submissive. Your friend helping you by role-playing can act out the
more likely reactions.

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