Page 305 - Effective Communication Soft Skills Strategies For Success by Nitin Bhatnagar, Mamta Bhatnagar

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Assertiveness Skills | 293

• If both parties have problems, i.e., both of you can take turns giving
‘I’ statements and giving empathy responses.
• If the other person is using a lot of ‘you’ (blaming, critical) statements,
try to translate them into ‘I’ statements and empathize with the accuser’s
feelings.

Understand When to Use and How to Use ‘I’ Statements in Place of ‘You’
Statements and Other Perilous Statements

In order to communicate our feelings clearly to others, we must, of course,
be aware of or be comfortable or at least acknowledge them, and able to
accurately express the feelings to them in words. When we lack this awareness,
acceptance, or verbal skill, our feelings are likely to be expressed indirectly
and ineffectively, as shown in Table 13.3.

Table 13.3 ‘You’ and ‘I’ Statements
‘You’ Statements ‘I’ Statements
Blaming: ‘You make me so mad.’ ‘I feel angry when you..’ or, ‘I have chosen to
let it bother me when you ______.’
Judging or labelling: ‘You are an inconsiderate, ‘I feel betrayed when you criticize me in front
hostile, arrogant creep.’ of others.’
Accusing: ‘You don’t give a damn about me!’ ‘I feel neglected when you avoid me.’
Ordering: ‘You shut up!’ ‘I feel annoyed when you call me names and
Questioning: ‘Are you always this flirtatious?’, or make fun of me.’
‘Why did you do that? I feel like slapping your ‘I really feel insecure about our relationship
face.’ when you flirt.’
Arguing: ‘You don’t know what you are talking ‘I feel convinced it is this way.’
about.’ ‘I would like you a lot more if you were a bit
Sarcasm: ‘Of course, you are an more humble.’
expert!’ ‘I really am impressed with your and besides I
Approving: ‘You are wonderful’, or ‘You are like you, I am attracted to you.’
attractive.’ ‘I feel crushed when you seem only interested
Disapproval: ‘You are terrible.’ in spending my money.’
Threatening: ‘You had better …’ ‘I’d like it if you’d …’
Moralizing: ‘You ought to …’ ‘I think it would be fair for you to …’
Treating: ‘You need to rest and …’ ‘I’d like to be helpful to you.’
Supporting: ‘It will get better.’ ‘I’ m sorry you feel …’
Analyzing: ‘You can’t stand to leave your mother!’ ‘I’m disappointed that you are so reluctant to
leave …’

Note that many of the ‘you’ statements are intended to exert power, to control,
to intimidate, or to put down the other person. They are not statements
made by non-judgmental, mutually respecting equals. They are authoritarian

Bhatnagar_Chapter 13.indd 293 2011-06-23 7:54:10 PM
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